I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
You Might Also Like
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Practicing safe sax
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC