judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
“What?”
– Jude
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing