[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
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Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Whoa 😂
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4