The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
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Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
yeet
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
3% human
97% stress
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.