I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
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Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Oh thanks BBC.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
181.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again