if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
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*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.