*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.