I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
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A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.