Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
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girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Best seat on the street 😍
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”