I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
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I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Just parrot things
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.