[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
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I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…