Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
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Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
#ProTip
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it