Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
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I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Dead
Alive
Other✔
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?