me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
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I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans