Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
You Might Also Like
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
this article brought to you by lions
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Saturday
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it