My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
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coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.