Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
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[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.