I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
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JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.