if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
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I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.