HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
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Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married