This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
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me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you鈥檙e never gonna believe this
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it鈥檚 nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you鈥檝e been divorced longer than i鈥檝e been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don鈥檛 get any cake
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Sorry we鈥檙e late, my kid thought he couldn鈥檛 go to school with hiccups
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Beware…..
Naw, I don鈥檛 have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn鈥檛 have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
WHY ISN鈥橳 THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!馃憞
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Me: Of course I鈥檓 an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Me: don鈥檛 you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here