[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
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Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet