A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
You Might Also Like
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,