*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
set yourself free xox
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*