hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
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I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
A classic…
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??