Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
You Might Also Like
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently