Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
You Might Also Like
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb