Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
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Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Who knew!
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.