Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
You Might Also Like
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
me doing my best
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
#CatsOnTwitter
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it