Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
You Might Also Like
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry CavillAnd, no, it’s not a chowder class.