I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
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WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops