Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.