Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
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It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Boom, boom, ching!