The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
just gave your address to some spiders
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.