8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
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ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.