[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.