The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”