Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
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If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.