me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
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girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Catering service
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”