[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat