Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
You Might Also Like
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.