INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
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Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Happens to everyone.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn