If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
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I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05