Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
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As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Meeeee too!
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy