If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
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the short answer to this question
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism