SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
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Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
want me to check your oil?
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
(Gaming support cat.)
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain