Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
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An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180