Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
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I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
sliding into dms like
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.