Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
You Might Also Like
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
every college guy’s fridge
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I’ll be mad as hell!
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Support your local cemetery
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.