[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
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[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I love the honesty
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.